she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
