You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
