When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We're too hungover to prance.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
