Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
