Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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