I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
