____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
