dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
