we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
