I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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