Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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