Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
my poor anus
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize