So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
