You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
