No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
