I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
so much tequila, so little girl.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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