you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
