I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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