My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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