I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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