my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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