Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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