we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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