He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
