I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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