i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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