I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
be right there i have to get my cape
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
