Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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