Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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