are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
