This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
