If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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