I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
