I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
