Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
