I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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