At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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