My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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