apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
