Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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