he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
