Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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