1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
