my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
