seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
