He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
