but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
