Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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