Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
