Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize