I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
