I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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