Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
