I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
