see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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