my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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