i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
