I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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