Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize