I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
