I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
