your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
